Staying & Going

Staying in one place too long is a problem for me.

Being somewhere not only physically but mentally starts to eat at me one way or another after too long has passed. I resist to feel one way for too long or then I start to tend to become irritated with life. I’ve never understood how people can stay in one place their entire lives. It’s a shock for me. There’s so much out there to fall in love with. So much to embrace.

But I’ve always had this tendency to constantly be moving on and on. It’s embedded in my DNA somewhere, somehow. I get a high off of being a part of someone else’s culture, lifestyle, world. Not many people (I know) feel the same way about breaking free from their comfort zone, but I love to feel vulnerable in a place I haven’t explored. I love the unknown and not knowing what I’m getting myself into. Traveling and being in a country I’ve never come to find myself exploring before is my remedy.

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Defying & Cooperating

I’ve had many issues in the past with life in general.

The idea of not knowing and not being able to know really dug deep into me. I was consumed with hate for the world because it could not give me the answers I wanted or to just tell me why. I was so unsure of all that surrounded me and I was unsure of who I was. There had been times in the past where I thought I would never come to terms with myself. I did not think I could live not knowing. I was completely against anything that I did not have concrete evidence to including a Higher Power. But eventually I came to the conclusion that most questions and answers are one sided. I would be able to ask the world something and simply not get anything in return. I am not quite sure how I learned to live like this, so I just went with it.

No questions asked.

I recently came across a morning meditation that took me off guard. I honestly forgot what it was talking about, all I remember is the one line that blinded me.

Now I cooperate with life.

It had been so long since I doubted or even just thought about life in general. And I completely agree with the statement because I do. I do cooperate with life now. Love surrounds me and love is also the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I am built on the balance of opposites.

No matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger, something better, pushing right back.

One year sober


Today must be the most nostalgic day of my life so far.

I am filled with an overwhelming sense of joy and gratitude knowing where and who I am today rather than who I was one year ago. This day one year ago, I wasn’t sure of what I was doing with myself. I practiced self destruction on a daily basis and didn’t see it as anything other than taking away the pain. I didn’t know what loving myself was or loving anyone else. Through the course of one year, I have had people come in and out of my life who have helped me in small or great ways, I have volunteered overseas, been appointed to leadership roles, worked my way to second in my class, and have been true to myself.

I want to thank all who have walked in and out of my life. Those who have cared a little and those who have cared a lot. Those who held me accountable. Those who talked me thru a hard day. Those who showed me what good days looked like. Those who prayed with me, meditated with me and who have shown me love and compassion.

Thank you to all of you who all somehow had a part to play in my continuous journy.

Today marks one year.

Instant Gratification

I want a life full of long lasting happiness.

My past life where I used, have been harmful, relationships or anything in between has all been to feel instant gratification. And I don’t want that anymore. I deserve better than a quick high or something that’s going to last me less than an hour. It’s taken me a while to realize that’s not what I’m aiming for but now that I clearly know what I want and it’s not just something that’s been subconsciously in the back of my head, I will start to work towards my goal.

Hold me accountable.

Because I know I need it. Who doesn’t love getting what they want when they want it? God damn I know well I do. But to see where life has taken me and all the things that I thought gave me pure happiness today, I have come to the conclusion that it’s not worth the short wait. I would much rather work for something that is honest and that has good intentions and that brings me long lasting happiness instead.

Protect & Defend

I’ve found it extremely necessary to protect and defend all that is not mine.

Being so codependent with people’s feelings makes it really difficult to go on with your day and to be truly happy with yourself. I feel too much for others and not enough for myself.

It would be really nice to find a balance within those two things but I haven’t found it yet. Seeing people all around me, every single day and witnessing how cruel others can be gets to me. I feel like it’s my job to defend them in every situation because for some reason I feel as if they can’t do it for themselves. And maybe that is true in some cases. But I really need to learn that not everyone can’t speak up for themselves and that I don’t need to give up my serenity especially when it’s not needed. I always have this feeling that I can take take on everything that other people are being thrown at them as if somehow I was born into this world to do so.

I’m not sure how to be any other way.

Being & Becoming

I have a terrible habit of assuming every single aspect of every fucking thing. Whether it’s people, places, feelings, anything. And since I’ve been blogging on this site I have definitely not been being completely true to myself to the fact that I feel as if I have to talk or act more intellectual than I really am haha and honestly I just want to write the way I want to (which I should’ve been doing from the start). It really holds back a lot for me because I don’t say everything I’d like or express it the way I want.

And right now all I want to complete me is my baby boy and for Florence + The Machine to be the soundtrack to my life.

Protecting

Having a big heart can be a pain in the ass.

Constantly being aware of everything and everyone around me at all times comes naturally for me, but not for all. I don’t play with people’s emotions or put them down to boost myself. I like to care for all those who need and want it. But you have to remember to love and and care for the sick, because those are who need it the most. The unhealthy behaviors and sick ways are a cry for help I have learned. But with that being said, I still can’t help to feel for the hurt; the victims. I am so codependent with certain people because of this reason. I feel as I have to protect them because they’re too fragile. But what I need to learn is sometimes, they can take care of themselves. It’s not my job to protect everyone at all times.

I need a break.